Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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