We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
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