Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Lo siento on account of my penis...
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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