Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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