I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
