I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
