You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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