I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize