So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
