All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
