doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
