I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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