Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
