I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
my mouth tastes like poor choices
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
How naked do you want me to be?
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize