last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
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