how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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