dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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