Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Alive.
So much puke
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
