sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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