When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize