Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Even my vagina gasped.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
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