This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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