At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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