I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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