My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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