got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
