He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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