...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
