After last night, I could never be a politician.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
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