Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Randomize
