I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I touched a dick in church today
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
