Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
