I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
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