Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
