there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize