um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
