Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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