So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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