cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
