New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
