Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
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