I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize