If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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