I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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