ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
