I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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