my mouth tastes like poor choices
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
