Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize