im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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