I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
