just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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