he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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