I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
