You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
