it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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