pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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