The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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