i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
