he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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