So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Randomize
