Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Quick, to the slutcave!
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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