Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
