bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
