drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
