My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
