Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize