Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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