i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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