I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
