ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
