there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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